Please Don't Take My Chair Away: An Introduction to Disability Etiquette

We all know disability is a difficult topic to approach.  There’s a lot of nuances of etiquette that aren’t very widely known.  Therefore, when a person is getting to know me and begins to get comfortable enough to ask me some of these burning and pertinent questions, I’m happy to answer.  I’ll write a few of the most popular ones here and hope they will pique your interest and possibly reshape your thinking and disability etiquette approach.

Topic:  Taking my wheelchair when sitting at a restaurant or at the theater.

Please Don’t take my wheelchair away when I transfer into another seat.  Taking my wheelchair, my only form of independence, away from me scares the bejesus out of me. Much like the mild anxiety I get when I’m on a plane and that seventh cup of O.J. hits your bladder and I don’t have my chair beside me to get to the lavatory, you realize how completely reliant you are on your chair. It's really stressful being away from my chair, these wheelchairs are extremely tailored to the individual and not cheap. Fun fact, when I got my first car my wheelchair was worth twice as much as it at the time. I know of people who have had their chairs stolen or tampered with in the past and you can’t just go get a new one if the worst case scenario happens, it takes months. (Planes have tiny aisle chairs the crew push you to the loo on if you were wondering.)

I Suggest letting a person’s chair remain with them at all times.  If the chair is blocking a path or impeding something, instead of seeing the chair as the problem, think about making a change to the environment.  For example, in a restaurant, consider having a table or area designated for a wheelchair user that has allotted space for a wheelchair.

Topic:  Pushing me in my chair to move me instead of asking me to move.

This one still baffles me and it’s honestly surprising how often this still happens. Quite often the people who do it are just not thinking. They’ll attempt to push the chair, I'll inevitably grab the wheels before they move me far and confront them with a puzzled look, and then one of two things will happen, they’ll realize what they are doing and panic by over-apologizing, or just act confused that I’m not some sort of mannequin on wheels they can move for their convenience.

Please Don’t touch or move my chair without asking.  I know sometimes it may seem like the path of least resistance or you don’t want to interrupt me if my attention is elsewhere, but you wouldn’t just push another person out of your way.

I Suggest just asking politely for the person to move.  I know I’m blessed with a butt wider than the average bear, thanks to the chair, but I often do feel self-conscious of the space I take up and I’m always happy to move to let you pass.  

Topic:  Using derogatory terms casually in conversations.

Being polite should seem pretty straight forward. I do genuinely believe that the majority of people on this blue-dot are trying to be decent humans but the odd derogatory term does slip out from time to time and I’m okay with that, because 90% of the time I’ll let them finish the sentence, quickly suggest using another word in the future and carry on with the conversation. Easy, done, solved.

Please Don’t use terms that you’ve been asked not to use.  That should be really simple. If it offended someone, keep that in mind and be conscientious of it.  I know politically correct terms come and go and there’s always new waves of what terms are best. Don’t worry too much about it, just don’t be rude.

I Suggest speaking normally and thoughtfully.  If you really want to be sure about your semantics and verbiage always feel comfortable asking for a person’s preferred terms.

Topic:  Talking to me, not my able-bodied friend.

This is something that happens so regularly I’ve become accustomed to the “Hey I’m here!” wave when someone I’ve asked a question to directs the response to an able-bodied person with me. This one really annoys me for two reasons.  First, they are being rude and ignorant. Second, I'm a confident enough person to get their attention back and continue on, but there are plenty of people out there with less confidence. Those people will be talked over, talked about as if they are not there and be stripped of their voice. It’s all too common for people to see the disability and not the person. I have only been in the disability club for 12 years but I’ve seen so many positive changes with the attitudes towards the disabled population. The more positive screen time we get the more we can remind the world that we are more than just icons of tragedy.  

Please Don’t address able-bodied people instead of the disabled person.  An especially common example of this is when a Deaf person is with a hearing person.  People will be afraid of the language barrier and not address the Deaf person directly.  

I Suggest always being respectful of a disabled person by acknowledging them, addressing them directly, and including them in conversation.

Topic:  How to ask if I need help without being offensive.

I think the key here is in the question, ‘Ask’ before jumping in to help. Personally there are plenty of times I’ve needed the help of a stranger, whether it's being over-zealous in the shopping center trying to get groceries back to the car or having a wheel roll down across a road while pulling the chair apart getting in the car… I haven’t forgiven gravity for that one yet. But then there are times when someone will run yelling at me from across the carpark when they see me getting my chair out of the car and grab the chair to try and help… What follows is them realizing they have no idea how to put together a wheelchair and them asking for instructions.

Please Don’t take action until you ask or doubt that I don’t need help when I say that I don’t.  Regardless of if I accept or decline, I will always appreciate the offer.

I Suggest, please, for the love of people overreacting to me doing daily living tasks, just ask first. 

Topic:  What to say and what not to say when an awkward question arises. 

Please Don’t be afraid to ask a question you don’t know the answer to or are unsure if you should ask.  

I Suggest Honesty and an open mind. Frame the question in an honest manner and stay clear of derogatory language. There is every chance it’s a question I will have heard hundreds of times!

Topic:  Not to be put off bY rude replies from disabled people. 

Please Don’t be put off when you get a snappy or rude response from a disabled person. Those instances don’t represent the population as a whole and it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.  People have bad days, and despite what some people might think or see, people with disabilities are people. Without going on too much of a PC rant we have a lot on our plate being marginalized, underemployed, underpaid and being discriminated against in numerous other ways. So yes, you might bump into someone having a bad day from time to time, but please don’t let this discourage you from asking to help, more often than not, people will be more thankful that you are actually thinking of them and treating them with respect. 

I Suggest letting it brush off. I apologize for any of these interactions you may have on their behalf, please continue to be kind and offer help to people.

Thank you all for reading this.  If you’ve gotten this far, I know you must care about disability etiquette and want to learn.  If you’ve learned anything from this, I hope it’s that you shouldn’t have seven cups of orange juice when stranded on an airplane seat without your wheelchair.  No one needs that much vitamin C. Oh, and never underestimate gravity.