Baby Steps
Personal Note: I want to give a shout-out to Q for helping me a lot with this piece. The topic was difficult to put into words and the emotions tough to conceptualize. So, thank you for talking me through all of what was in my head and my heart, and for helping to get this very important message out.
R U OK Day has just passed and it reminded me that we don’t discuss mental health and emotional self-care enough. In our society, it’s become taboo to discuss these topics and those who do are seen as weak. Thankfully, instances, like R U OK Day, remind us to battle these taboos and warn us that they are not only wrong, but horrifically toxic. As an elite athlete, people focus on our physical achievements and the strenuous training it takes to live this life and accomplish these goals. However, I want to encourage everyone to remember and understand that a lot of what we do is mental, and that’s not talked about enough. Therefore, this week, I want to talk to you all about my own experiences with how being an athlete can be taxing on your mental well-being.
Studies have found that exercise can be a useful tool for treating mild depression and anxiety. I’ll attest to this, too. I know if I’m having a rough day exercise will improve my mindset. What these studies don't show is how there’s the switch from exercising as a tool for mental health to how training as an elite athlete can have the opposite effect. This is becoming more widely talked about thanks to numerous high profile athletes coming out and talking about it, and how it becomes a detriment to their sporting career and personal life.
Of course, training day in and day out requires a lot of mental focus and self-motivation to maintain, but everyone has bad days. I can in no way speak on behalf of any other persons, but as someone who trains as an elite athlete it can be a stressful environment to be surrounded by. When you start a sport it's generally because you enjoy it, and I still do love this sport don't get me wrong... but, when the sport becomes a career, and that career is purely judged upon physical performance you have to constantly be putting in your best to impress selectors. This is why it is so common for athletes to hide injuries and more importantly to the topic today, hiding mental and emotional struggles. Quite often coming forward and acknowledging you are having a tough time has been seen as ‘weak-minded’ and something that the team or selection panel might look down on. Thankfully this culture is changing. Every team or coach wants their athletes to perform at their best, physically, mentally and emotionally. Just as with physical injuries, treatment and management plans are the best way forward.
When all your training and self-worth are attached to mere seconds that pass by in a flash and you don’t always get the outcome you hope for it can be completely devastating. I experienced this in the Rio 2016 Paralympic Games. I was lucky enough to make it to my first Paralympic final. I was completely elated, of course, but you may not know that I was also completely and totally sick. Super duper sick. I couldn't stop shaking from an infection and had a raging fever... Therefore, I put it all on the track in that final and had my best international finish, fourth place.
While I should have been feeling amazing, especially considering how well I performed despite being so sick, the crushing feeling of missing out on a Paralympic medal by the tiniest bit was consuming. I raced and performed better than I ever had before and I should have been very proud of myself, but all I could focus on was “What could I have done if I wasn't sick?” My mind could not stop filling with “What ifs...?”. That’s never a good place to end up. In the aftermath, it was hard not to feel afraid that I had missed my one and only shot, that maybe this chance would never come again and that I’d rapidly be forgotten since no one remembers fourth place... I had to work very hard, and am constantly reminding myself, to bridle all the self-critique and disappointment and turn them into self-motivation and self-confidence that I will achieve this next time. Tokyo 2020!
One thing that’s very rarely considered is that even when the big moment is over and you accomplish your goals, there’s a significant emotional comedown afterward. You can’t help but ask yourself, “What next?” Is it more training and a new athletic goal? Is it a new pathway away from sport? When you are so narrowly focused on one little goal, you often find that you’ve forgotten to prepare for after that moment. In hindsight, no matter how big the achievement, the success seems so fleeting and that you have to immediately find and complete the next goal to continue to prove your worth. Sometimes that can turn into deep-set worry that you’ve hit the top, that this is the pinnacle of your achievements, and that it’s all downhill from here. We all have to remember that no matter the outcomes in this career, good, bad, and ugly, that our worth as humans are not defined by them.
Being an athlete for as long as I have, *cough* over a decade *cough*, your identity as an athlete becomes all-consuming. Sometimes so much so that the thought of not being an athlete, no longer being able to compete, or even simply no longer being able to stay competitive in your sport or event can be an exhausting burden to bear. It can, at times, be a terrifying thought thinking about my life beyond the track; it’s defined so much of my life as a whole and the entirety of my life post-injury. Although, I know that that time will come where my primary focus will have to shift to a family and stable career, I still can’t quite wrap my brain around what that will be like or how I will get there. That’s something I struggle with frequently. Just as I do with training for sport, I try to set small goals for myself and take baby steps so the larger goal doesn’t seem too overwhelming.
For example, I’ve recently decided to go and get a university degree. I broke my neck at 17 and pretty much immediately transitioned into this career in sport. Therefore, I started this life without too much consideration to the traditional academic and career paths. It was always one of those things I had always intended to figure out and get around to...but, oh my gosh, it’s now been a decade. Whoops! Time flies when you’re having fun. However, those looming questions of, “What’s next?” and “Who am I beyond the athlete?” are still quite present in my mind. And, quite honestly, the mental “I don’t know” my internal voice responds with is pretty stale. Therefore, to battle this eerie unknown, I’ve decided to put the effort into trying to figure out who I am beyond sport and set myself up for a successful future. I am terrified. Seriously. Scared to my core. And more confused and unsure than I have ever felt. But, I know it’s important and I want to try. I don’t know what I’m going to study, where, or when. I honestly don’t know. But, I’m ready to take some stumbling baby steps...or should I say baby pushes?... to try and figure it out.
I love what I do and I am so blessed to have this career as an elite athlete. I don’t want anyone to think this is not the case. But we all have to remember that sometimes life isn’t always what we see in our Instagram feed and that we need to remember to listen to each other. Even as I wrote this, I began to feel very anxious just trying to put these words and emotions down on the page for you all. That feeling in my chest just reiterates to me how important this really is. Please, I implore you to always ask, “Are you okay?” to others when you suspect something is amiss and to answer honestly when it is asked of you. No matter your career, lifestyle or experiences, don’t ever feel that your feelings and struggles make you weak or that they’d be too burdensome on someone else to share.